Fleeting Tsukuyomi
by ollia
Summary: Sakura is caught in Infinite Tsukuyomi. When she wakes up from it, the reality doesn't live up to the illusion she dreamt. Fair warning: it will be sad and bitter story. Edit: I decided on a happy end, so I guess it's not that sad anymore...
1. Chapter 1

Sakura regained consciousness. Sunrays found their way into her eyes, everything was so bright. Everywhere around her people were waking up, scrambling out of the cocoons that were connecting them to the giant tree. _"It's broken! Tsukuyomi is broken! They did it!"_ a wave of relief filled her heart.

In front of her Naruto and Sasuke stood, supporting each other, looking bleak and battered but so undeniably alive. Friends again. She hugged them and felt as if everything was falling on its correct place.

Later, she learned that they had defeated Madara and thanks to the powers bestowed by the Sage of Six Paths broke the Tsukuyomi. The war was over and they could all go home.

Konoha was spared any major damages, so the life quickly picked up its normal pace. Only significant alteration was that Sasuke was back for good. He was pardoned due to his instrumental role in winning the war. Kakashi-sensei as the new Hokage ordered thorough investigation on the Uchiha Massacre and Sasuke became part of the investigation team together with Shikamaru, Ino and some elder shinobi. It gave Sakura a pervasive sense of justice being done. She was initially a bit concerned that digging in the past would awaken the old demons in Sasuke, but he seemed to be resistant to them.

Naruto and Sasuke would be spending most of there time sparring. It seemed that they wanted to make up all those lost years, and their way of bonding was to punch each other's faces. Sometimes Sakura joined the spars, but more often she just sat on a vantage point on a rock or a tree branch (always in shadow as sunlight was unusually bright those days) and savoured the moments. Sure, she was admiring their moves, but more than that she just wanted to bask in the filling of everything being again as it was supposed to be.

Later they would go to Ichiraku or to the barbecue restaurant if others wanted to join as well. Naruto developed certain tolerance for foods other than ramen so they could even manage to dine in some new place from time to time.

Days were quiet and happy but for Sakura even this calm routine was source of permanent joy. She would never dare to ask for more in life.

* * *

One summer afternoon, when the heat of the day was just loosening up, she walked out of the hospital at the end of her shift and to her great surprise spotted familiar figure, propped up against the only tree on the plaza. Her heart fluttered tiny bit faster but she didn't allow herself to quicken her pace. Sasuke lazily straightened himself up at her approach.

"Tsunade wants you to read those." He handed her a pile of papers.

"Thanks. And thank you for coming all the way here to bring it." She knew he could have just left it on her doorstep on his way home.

"Hn." Sasuke shoved hands into his pockets and faced direction of her house. When she didn't react he threw a glimpse over his shoulder. "Are you going?"

On the way home she had hard time keeping her poise. She tried covering her excitement with some pointless chatter. She ended up telling him about an experiment on chakra transfer that she was going to perform the next day. She went into such technical details that she couldn't believe he didn't tell her to drop the topic. Or to shut up.

When she waved him cheerful goodbye and closed the door behind her, she could finally release a happy squeak. Rest of the evening she felt inexplicably, stupidly happy – inexplicably because what did happen in the end? He just walked her home and it wasn't even that much of a detour for him.

Next day she woke up in a great mood, and the day seemed to be complying. The experiment worked at the first attempt, all the controls were fine and the effect was clearly visible. She immediately got couple of ideas for the follow-up tests. Then, in the afternoon, exactly when she was falling asleep over the paperwork due for that day, a sudden thunderstorm rolled over Konoha leaving the air fresh and Sakura's head rejuvenated. She finished her report so fast that it surprised her. She was going to the kitchen for the personnel to bring back her dirty coffee cups when looking through the window of the staircase she thought she was having a deja vue: Sasuke was standing under the tree in exactly the same pose as yesterday. She had enough sense to return the cups to the kitchen, come back upstairs, gather her things and face him with fake surprise. She wasn't so sure if he bought it. But certainly he'd seen her joy was not faked.

On their way home she babbled nervously again, but he really seemed to be listening. And then he swept her from her feet asking how the experiment went. She got so much caught up in explaining her results that they stood in from of her door for at least fifteen minutes until she was finished.

The next day she thought out an excuse to go downstairs and pass the staircase already at 5 p.m. She tried to keep cool head about it, and started already to talk herself into not being disappointed when she couldn't believe her own eyes – he was there again. She didn't wait until 6 p.m. to scram.

It became a routine. Sasuke was coming to pick her up after work. She spent an unhealthy amount of time going up and down the stairs. Apparently he was usually coming somewhere around 4:30 even though he knew her shift was finished at 6 p.m. Or at least should be, because Tsunade quickly caught a whiff of the situation and directly ordered her to reduce her overtime by going home earlier. Sakura put up a weak protest only to maintain a face.

She felt a little bit guilty for playing truant, but on the other hand she was lately so efficient with her tasks, that going out an hour or so earlier wasn't such a big issue. Since the end of the war she lost that unnerving lack of focus in the morning, that used to cost her a lot of time, not to mention giving her a permanent sense of discontentment. Now, she would enter her office and start just where she left the previous day, no procrastination, no struggle to get concentrated. And, she had to admit, the nurses were so competent and motivated that she really should be having any doubts delegating more work to them.

Sasuke would walk her home, but more than often she needed to do some shopping or take care of some other business and he would tag along. He seemed unperturbed by people seeing them together on all possible occasions. She got more confident in talking to him, and Sasuke was in meanwhile so well introduced into medical jutsu, that he could probably perform a surgery himself. And draw nurses' shift schedule from his memory.

On one particularly beautiful evening Sakura gathered her courage and proposed a detour along the river. At the beginning she felt uncomfortable going somewhere with him for pure amusement reasons, but their conversation rolled as usually and Sasuke didn't show any signs of annoyance.

Encouraged by their little tour Sakura started proposing walks from time to time. Weather was always cooperating as the summer was at its most beautiful in Konoha. It never ever rained in the evenings, with all the storms coming and going during the nights. It struck her as odd weather anomaly, but still she was more than happy about it.

* * *

One afternoon, she spotted Sasuke at his usual place under the tree at his usual half past four. But that day she couldn't walk with him home. She had an emergency surgery and the patient was just being prepared. She run quickly out, her unaccustomed eyes hurt from the sudden brightness of the plaza.

"Hi…" She started sheepishly, shielding her face from the sunrays.

"Hi. What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing, it's just that there is an unexpected operation… It will start the moment they get the patient stable… It will take some time, so please go home. I'm sorry you've come here on vain…"

"How long will it take?"

"Long."

"You don't sound happy about it."

"I'm just tired already… I had a hectic day, skipped the lunch. I hope I'll manage."

"You will. So, how long will it take?"

"Three, four hours. From the moment it starts. So now I need to go to be on a stand-by."

Sasuke smiled. "Do your best, then."

"Thanks… I will."

His encouragement carried her through the surgery. She worked with efficiency and precision and the operation turned out to be a full success. Relieved, she left the patient in the care of nurses, changed into normal clothing and headed home. When she was passing through the hospital gate the fatigue finally hit her. Her chakra level was so low, energy reserves almost nil. She sighted - that would be one unpleasant way home, and stepped on the plaza.

And he was there, sitting under the tree. Sakura's brain started to process the data. It was almost exactly midnight. If he was sitting, it meant he was already here for a long time. Waiting for her.

She approached him and sat next to him without a word. She was exhausted enough for her enthusiasm to quench, though somewhere in the back of her head Inner Sakura was performing a happy dance. "You really shouldn't be waiting for me. It is middle of the night."

Sasuke only shrugged in response. "Tired?" he asked after a while.

"Uhm..." she murmured.

He didn't comment, but handed her some package instead. Her brain was working really slowly and it was quite dark on top of it so it took her good couple of seconds to realize that what she was holding was a bento box. Out of all the inconsistencies she was trying to marry in her mind one question managed to the surface: "Where did you get a bento box at the midnight?"

"Hn. In the sixth open shop, I suppose."

Sakura shook her head. "And why?"

"Because you're hungry? At first I thought you will be done at nine and that we will get something at Ichiraku. Then it was getting later and later and I learned from nurses that the surgery had a delayed start. Hence, your bento. Eat."

She unwrapped it. "We can share."

"I bought one for myself." He pulled another box from behind of the tree.

* * *

Their walks became longer, sometimes the ended up returning to the village already at dusk. She cooked for them couple of times and inviting him in was not even remotely awkward. At some point Sakura realized that they have passed the boundary somewhere on the way and they were now behaving like a couple. Like a couple, but except from… Well, now that her confidence was high enough Sakura allowed herself to think about Sasuke in THAT way. Before, that whole sphere was pushed deep back, as she was focused on winning him at all. Now, when it wasn't about winning or loosing but about comfortable being around each other, some thoughts were sprouting inside her.

She didn't know how to handle those feelings. When she was laying in bed, she would think how would it be if he touched her. Touched her hand or back. Put hand on her knee. Held her. Or kissed her. She couldn't really imagine any other things, because she had no experience, but she knew what those other things were and it made her restless and gave her troubles falling asleep.

But she knew she would never take any direct action. Sasuke was not a type for clingy and forward girls, that's what she was assuming at least. He would want to take a lead in such situations. Sakura was actually happy about it; it made him look more manly in her eyes. Or it would have if any situation occurred. But it didn't and she lacked experience to provoke him. And she didn't find attempt on seduction fitting - she didn't share Ino's sentiments about boys – that they need to played as long as they start dancing to girl's wishes. Sakura's deepest heart desire was for Sasuke to become close to her out of his own initiative. He has been played and manipulated enough in his life for her to contribute to it. Plus, manipulation wasn't how Sakura imagined a relationship.

She got already a bit resigned about the progress that was nowhere in sight, when one evening, at her doorstep, Sasuke kissed her. It was quick, it was too dark around for her to really see his face, and he left immediately after. Nevertheless, he kissed her! Sakura spent half of the night leaning out of her window, gazing at the moon in the state of complete elation.

Whole following day she was waiting for a next goodbye. She even felt a bit ashamed, that here she was going for a walk with Sasuke, and all she wanted was for it to finally end. That evening, when it came to the kiss again, she was mentally prepared and even managed to turn it a little bit into "kissing".

* * *

She grasped the last cherry out of the paperwrap, shoved it to her mount and sent Sasuke an audacious look. They were walking along their favourite path along the river – where shadows were deep and light filtering through the leaves was painting the surroundings gold-and-green. He shrugged at her grimace, making it known he didn't care and then, when she lost focus to bask in the victory, with a sudden move he grabbed something from the bag hanging on her arm. Sakura stared – he took her keys!

"Hey! Not fair!" She shouted with indignation. Stealing the last food was one thing and stealing someone's keys was another.

He grinned in response.

"Give it back!"

Sasuke was holding her keys in his outstretched arm high above his head. It struck her how much taller than her he became. Sakura jumped ungainly trying to reach the dangling bunch. Of course she could have used some jutsu, pump chakra into her legs, but it didn't feel like time and place for it. Not here, not in this serene setting; not this afternoon that was so bright and warm that air seemed like liquid honey.

Ninjutsu just didn't fit at all, so she simply shoved him, both hands against his chest. He must have not suspected such assault because he lost his balance and landed on the grass. Sakura was on him the moment he touched the ground, trying to reach the keys he still kept in his outstretched hand.

She bent to get them and froze. She realized the position she had just put herself – she was basically straddling him, her thin summer dress almost up her hips. And on top of it, she was leaning the way that the top of the dress wasn't covering absolutely anything. Eyes huge, she glanced down on Sasuke. He seemed unperturbed, confident smirk still on his lips. He was looking into her eyes, and not into her cleavage, but Sakura had no doubt he was seeing it nevertheless.

She tried to lift herself up, propped herself against the only place available – his chest and sat up. To her panic, she realized she only managed to end up straddling his crotch.

Sasuke flicked his wrist and the keys went flying. Judging from the rattle they landed between the stones of the riverbed. How would she ever find them again?!

Apparently, it was a purposeful distraction, because she failed to register beginning of his movement. Then it was too late, because he already grabbed her and tumbled her over. He was on top of her, his elbows on both sides of her face. Sakura wanted to say something but didn't manage. As soon as she opened her mouth to speak, he kissed her. And kissed her hard. Her already opened lips were making it easier.

Sakura's head swirled, the kiss was deeper and more persistent than their previous ones. She wanted to melt into him, get as close to him as possible. She moved her hips to better accommodate his weight and then she felt it – that strange sensation emanating from the place between her legs that appeared in response to the pressure. Sakura concentrated and rolled her hips again – carefully not to make it too obvious. The sensation intensified. She repeated the motion and inadvertently moaned into the kiss.

By now, he surely noticed what was she doing down there. In strike of boldness Sakura decided to ignore her embarrassment for the moment. And, in the end, should she really be embarrassed'? To whom should she be showing her vulnerability if not to him?

Sure he noticed… He answered her movement, met her halfway. But Sakura didn't care anymore at this point because the feeling was building up and proving to be too strong of an incentive.

She was moving against something solid and with every motion her grasp of the shape of that thing was getting better. It was not as precise as she would get by touching it with her hand, but still she was getting a very good idea of the form. And that increasing awareness was making her unbelievably excited. Sasuke picked up a steady pace pointing at her core and the sliding towards her front. At that point Sakura wasn't responding to the kiss anymore, with whole body taunt and arched she wasn't moving anymore either. She just kept steady to provide him with resistance. The sensation was building to the point it was becoming unbearable. And then, when she thought she couldn't stand it anymore, it exploded. She half gasped, half screamed only to realize that the kiss was broken some time ago already. And that her face was now in the crook of Sasuke's neck.

He rolled against her couple of time more, but much gentler this time. Still, a whimpering noise escaped out of her.

When her breathing steadied he kissed her again and got up. Without his weight on her, Sakura felt cold and exposed. And awfully ashamed. Her dress was up her waist, her panties so wet that she'd bet one could see through them and she didn't even want to imagine how must her face be looking like. And then, as if as a proof that her brain had just been rendered totally useless, she started to think that thankfully her dress was green so the grass stains wouldn't be too visible.

In meantime, Sasuke went towards the riverbed and she saw him crouching as if to pick something up. Then, he came up to her again, stretched out his hand towards her and helped her on her feet. Without a comment he handed her the keys back. Sakura was still too shell-shocked to take any independent action.

Sasuke shoot her a taxing look. "We should go back. You have an early shift tomorrow, don't you?"

To that, she wanted to protest, but he grabbed her hand and pulled her direction home. He didn't let go off her hand all the way to the village. Even though it looked more like leading a child than holding hands with a girlfriend, Sakura was realizing that it was heck of a statement from Sasuke's side. Normally she would be jumping from joy, but now, after what had transpired between them mere minutes ago, the importance of holding hands had faded a bit. That what happened between them… was it supposed to be called sex? What was it really?

They reached her doorstep. Sasuke pecked her on the lips, told her to sleep well and hurried away. Sakura sleep-walked into her house and only then she realized that throughout their whole encounter Sasuke hadn't even lay hand on her.

* * *

The next day Sakura still didn't shake off the feeling of embarrassment. Even though it was supposed to be another hot day, she chose a T-shirt and a reasonable, knee-long skirt. No way she would be running in front of Sasuke half-naked after what happened the day before. She was already dreading what was he thinking about her.

Her workday was shorter thanks to the early shift so they ended up on their customary walk already mid-afternoon. They went along the river again. Or rather Sasuke went and she followed. Sakura was too weirded out to attempt a conversation, let alone a discussion.

They were walking and walking, reaching the section of the river where it was breaking between large boulders. Finally the silence got too much on Sakura's nerves.

"About yesterday… I'm sorry about it, it probably shouldn't have happened…"

Sasuke threw a puzzled look. "Why? Didn't you like it?"

Sakura fidgeted a bit more. "I did, but…"

"But what?"

"It was somehow… it wasn't fair to you."

Sasuke didn't bother to comment – his face expression did it for him.

"I shouldn't have behaved like that… You didn't get anything out it, while me…"

"Who says I didn't get anything?"

Sakura jerked her head. "What did you get?"

"A sense of achievement, for example."

"Ah." She should have known. For him it is like a contest, something to excel in, a way to boost his ego.

"But not only that." He finished with a smirk.

Sakura looked at him wide-eyed. "Then what else?"

"You don't want to know, believe me." The content smile of knowing better was still on his lips.

"Oh, I'm perfectly able to decide what I want myself. And I want to know!"

Sasuke slanted his eyes in amusement. "But you're not allowed to beat me up afterwards."

Sakura gaped – what was he thinking, she would never… Beating was firmly reserved for Naruto and his antics. "Just spit it out already!" She stomped to get her point better through.

"Why do you think I went home so quickly?" When she couldn't think of an answer, Sasuke provided it himself. "Because I need to get off. And I did. Thinking about you."

Sakura's mouth formed a neat, round "O". So… she turned him on. She was sexually attractive to him. That was groundbreaking… That was putting them on even ground for the first time in their life. She wasn't anymore a supplicant here, but an equal partner.

That knowledge was elating, even more than this orgasm from the day before. It was also empowering. She didn't need to shy away, be constantly afraid of deteriorating that fragile thing between them. She could speak her mind, she could tell what she thought... "But you didn't get to feel me much, did you? You could touch me if you want, you know?" Speak up like that for example. She still couldn't believe she dared to say it. "Wherever you want…"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. With sudden decisiveness in his movements, he pulled her to himself and sat them down on the boulder, Sakura straddling his lap. Sasuke moved his hands from her waist to her buttocks. "Here as well?"

She nodded, distracted by his hand sliding down her behind. She was never really aware of its shape, only now under his touch she was realizing how round it was. It was good, she supposed, as he seemed to be liking it. He squeezed and rocket her on his lap. The now-familiar sensation sparkled inside her again.

Sasuke slid his hand up, maneuvered them under the hem of her T-shirt, when he touched her naked skin, Sakura jerked out of excitement. He traveled up with his fingers, up to the place wound by her chest-bindings. Then he moved along the bandages toward her front.

"Here as well?" He asked before his fingers skimmed over the side of her breasts.

She nodded and gave him an open-mouth kiss.

Sasuke's fingers began working at the bandages. They wiggled and tugged and Sakura was kissing him as hard as she could because anticipation was difficult to stand and his tongue in her mouth was bringing some relief. When he finally grazed against her nipple, she actually made a sound. She never though her breasts were so sensitive. He had a full access by now, and his fingers were groping and squeezing and tugging, making Sakura's mind go increasingly blank. She rocked into him, following a known path. It came quickly and felt even better than the day before.

Sakura stopped kissing him and looked him in the eye. "It… it was there already."

"Hn. I've noticed." Sasuke made a move as to stand up.

"Sasuke, wait up! What about you again? I don't know… Would you… want something?"

Sasuke gave her a long look. Somewhere in the middle of that staring contest she started second-guessing herself. Apparently her boldness had its limits. But before she managed to get truly nervous, Sasuke moved his hands on her thighs, under her skirt. Sakura froze as his fingers travelled towards her middle. Only when he edged her panties to the side so it touched her leg, Sakura realized how slimy-wet it was down there. Sasuke must have realized it as well, cause he looked at her in astonishment and hissed. Sakura could only hope that the surprise would be categorized as a pleasant one in his mind. Either the way, he wasn't getting discouraged, as he was wiggling his fingers around her entrance. They scrambled deeper and Sakura wondered how deep they need to go for them to be without any doubt inside. And then she stopped wondering because they were so definitely inside that it left her gasping for air in a mix of confusion, panic and excitement.

When she was concentrating on that newly found closeness, Sasuke suddenly removed his fingers and jerked his head sideward. He was listening – now she could hear something as well. Running. Someone was running their direction.

Sakura jumped up from Sasuke's lap. From between the trees she could already see glimpses of familiar orange. She rolled her eyes.

"Sakura-chan! Sasuke! There you are! I was looking everywhere for you!"

Sasuke shoved his hands into the pockets and looked away, showing Naruto that he was much more interested in the flow of the river than in blonde's problems. Sakura was too preoccupied by the memory of Sasuke's touches to pay any genuine attention to Naruto. But he didn't mind. As usual, he had enough enthusiasm to just keep going without any feedback.

"So, guys, you'll never believe it! I was eavesdropping under Hokage's office and guess what?!"

A pregnant pause indicated that some interest from interlocutors was in the end required.

"And what?" Asked Sasuke tiredly after couple of second of silence.

"That we are all getting Jonin promotions! All three of us! And me and teme, we don't even have to take Chunin exams. Imagine, we'll really be new Sannin now!"

"That's great, Naruto." Sakura managed to put some cheerfulness into her voice.

"You bet! It's the best! Let's go celebrate it! Let's go to Ichiraku! And you know what? I'm paying this time!"

Sasuke sighted. It was clear that there was no way to lose Naruto now. In meantime the blonde turned and was heading towards the village already.

Sakura caught Sasuke's eyes. "Tomorrow…" She whispered. "Tomorrow, we…"

He nodded and started walking.

"We do it." Said Sakura louder. She saw a slight halt in his step. He heard and acknowledged her words.

Sakura didn't want to move yet. She let it sink in – this situation, this feeling of bliss, this light so bright that if it wasn't filtered though the leaves it would be hurting her eyes. This brightness filling her up…

"Sakura-chaan!"

Her eyes were wide open and all she could see was the light.

"Oi, Sakura-chan, wake up!" With effort she focused back on Naruto standing on the path, grinning at her. White light flickered in her vision. "Wake up!"


	2. Chapter 2

"Sakura! Sakura! Hey Sakura, wake up!" She tried focusing her eyes. Static was flashing under her eyelids every time she blinked. "Sakura!" She finally managed to see, not only to look. Instead of Naruto though, to her utmost surprise she saw Kakashi in front of her. Kakashi, bloodied, dirty and exhausted, kneeled in front of her, while she was half lying on the ground, wrapped in some disgusting… Oh gods, what was going on! They were on the forest path, going back to Konoha for that celebration in Ichiraku! Why was she back on the battlefield?! She struggled to get rid of what was binding her, it was gross and sticking to her skin and how could it even be – she had woken up from Tsukuyomi already once, came back to the village… Why is it happening again? The wrappings wouldn't come off, she struggled in panic, but her hands were still bound.

"Sakura, I need your help." Kakashi was cutting the bandages methodically with the kunai. "I know you're exhausted, but you need to stand up and come with me. Now."

She swayed on shaking legs, grabbed on Kakashi's shoulder for support. "Kakashi-sensei, I don't understand, what's going on?"

"You were caught in Tsukuyomi, like everyone else." He wound his arm around her waist and made her run. She didn't have enough energy for this, but Kakashi was relentless. "Only Naruto, Sasuke, Obito and I myself were spared. We fought a new enemy and after we defeated her, Sasuke challenged Naruto. He spoke some nonsense about becoming a Hokage that the entire world will hate. Then they went off, and I was too exhausted to follow. The Tsukuyomi released some time later, but judging from the size of the explosion that followed… I will be of no help there. You maybe still can save them."

Sakura finally understood something – she needed to go and help her boys. She held to this thought, pushing all other ones into the corners of her mind, even as everything in her head was screaming at her: "This is all wrong! It happened already! And no one got hurt!"

She was not prepared for what she saw minutes later in the Valley of the End. In hindsight, she came to thank her drilled-in medic instincts that pushed her to do the necessary. She managed to switch off the consciousness and proceed with life-saving treatment.

* * *

Konoha had been spared the worse; Sakura knew she should be grateful for that. The village did not receive a direct hit from any of the Juubi blasts. The earthquakes that followed the blasts laid many houses down, especially newer ones, made from bricks. A landslide claimed western part of the village and some fires broke in the central part, but otherwise Konoha stood. Its economy was ruined though, just as the economy of all the Elemental countries. Sakura was never aware how much depended on economy. Stupid of her, being Hokage apprentice she should be more lucid. Now, she was internalizing that knowledge the hard way. Everything was missing. Food was scarce; water supply was very limited, because there were no resources to repair the supply system There were no construction materials to rebuild the damaged houses so people were nesting in overcrowded remaining ones. About the medicines she could as well forget. About the hospital personnel as well, because the medical point that housed most of Konoha's medics received a direct hit on the last day of the war. Sakura would weep bitterly after all her friends and co-workers if she ever had time to do it. She was working double shifts, and after work she, along with all the remaining medics, had strict orders to do nothing else but sleep, in order to maximize chakra recovery. Still, there was never enough chakra to treat the patients and she had to resort to the most basic medical procedures. Amputations were commonplace now, as chakra had to be saved for the operations inside the body cavity. It was as gruesome as it could be, and thankfully it was all so much too much that Sakura stopped realizing. She went through her days, and she dutifully slept and never ever had time to think. She was grateful for that, because on the rare occasions she did think, she was only ending up crying her eyes out. She cried for her fallen comrades, she cried for herself doubting how long she would manage to bear the strain, and more than often she cried after the vision she dreamt inside the Tsukuyomi. She couldn't help feeling robbed.

When after three months the most acute crisis had been overcome and she was released from emergency duty, she realized she hadn't seen Naruto for much too long. Sasuke was still in jail, she was devastated that she managed to visit him only once and only very briefly, together with the rest of the Konoha 11. She rushed to see him, her heart fluttering in anticipation. Even if everything was so hard, it was now their chance. They can start building now, even on those ashes. In the Tsukuyomi, it worked so well between them. Well, in Tsukuyomi Sasuke didn't announce a world-domination plan and was not sitting in prison for months… But she refused to be discouraged by that.

Visiting Sasuke proved to be a huge disappointment. He wouldn't speak to her as she attempted filling the empty space between them with her chatter. She tried talking about how things were progressing in the village – when he didn't answer she assumed it must be impossibly unnerving for a prisoner to hear about the outside. She spoke about her work – he didn't seem interested. She asked about the prospects of his release – he either didn't know or was no inclined to tell her the details. After half an hour she went out and headed towards the river. There she cried and in vain tried thinking about what should she do differently. How should she behave to push the future into the rails she saw in the Tsukuyomi. There, she was just herself, she didn't have to think how she to behave around him. And he liked her the way she was. Here, it was not really working.

She kept visiting him in the prison regularly. She brought him home-cooked food. Brought him books. Was always cheerful, and never, ever made a sign of disappointment or demand.

When he was released she, together with Naruto, organized a celebration. They had a whole room cooked in the barbecue restaurant and went dancing after the meal. Everyone was having fun, she assumed Sasuke as well, in his own way (that included not talking much and definitely not dancing), but that didn't make him any better inclined towards her.

Next weeks they were going to Ichiraku regularly and meeting on the training grounds. It was amicable enough, but Sasuke never gave impression that he wanted to shorten the distance between them.

One evening when they left Ichiraku, Naruto climbed the heights of his social skills and scrammed, leaving her and Sasuke together alone. The wave of excitement rose inside her, making her not feel the chill of the evening. She was so sure that it would be THE moment when things would start falling onto the right track, that it would be this evening when he walks her home, but instead he muttered "Bye" and went his own way. She stood in the middle of empty street, staring at his back until he disappeared round the corner because she just couldn't believe.

When he was leaving for what was announced as "journey of redemption" (honestly, Sakura still did not believe Tsunade-sama allowed something like that) she came to the gates harbouring the strongest conviction ever. Despite all the eyes being on her she approached him and asked the permission to join. She played va bank, in the end he valued courage and ballsiness, she knew it. But then he just turned her down. And to add insult to injury, he poked her forehead. She was always self-conscious about the size of her forehead, and he knew it. On top of that, such a gesture should be reserved for a child – here he was pushing her down to the role of nosy brat, trying to tag along, when all she wanted was him to see her as a companion. It stung horribly, colour rose to her cheeks out of embarrassment and anger. At least she managed to control herself enough not to make a further scene in front of everyone. At home the entire content of her bookshelf flew against the wall.

* * *

The time when Sasuke was away she spent as usual – working. Wherever she went in her free time, she kept having flashbacks to the Tsukuyomi. She started avoiding the walkway along the river and her favourite path in the forest. That left her with significantly fewer places to go, so she mostly sat at home. But there was no way in the world for her to avoid the road from hospital to her apartment. Every evening she was forced to remember how it was when he was accompanying her, asking about her day.

As she couldn't ban those images from her head, she resolved to make them into the source of motivation. " _That's how things will look if it works. When it works._ " she thought.

She made a point out of writing him regularly, keeping him up to date with the village matters. She kept the tone of her letters cheery, each time attempted to write about something he would find interesting and intentionally avoided describing how she felt. His responses were scarce, short, and - if she wouldn't be consciously diverting such thoughts – she would find them forced. Sometimes he wouldn't respond at all, and she would then rack her brain about how long should she wait before writing another letter not to be obtrusive.

She tried catching more up with her friends only to find out that they all became very busy with their lives. Ino was dating Sai and could spend hours talking about him. Not that Ino wasn't doing "talking-about-guys-for-hours-thing" before, but now Sakura found it hard to stomach. Naruto finally noticed Hinata's live-long affection and was head over heels about it. He kept planning dates, second guessing himself and making one comical blunder after another. Under other circumstances Sakura would be more that happy to help him out (and get some free entertainment on his cost along the way) but she didn't have much heart for it now.

* * *

A year or so later, he returned. Only for a short while, he immediately announced during their first ramen-supper. Nevertheless Sakura's hopes spiked sky-high. Next days, she felt as if her chest was filled with something lighter than air. It felt as if in the same time she was floating and fighting to draw a breath.

She caught herself at the window of the staircase of the hospital more often than she wanted. Starting from 3 pm she would course the stairs up and down under every pretext to steal the glimpse on the tree and the plaza. Of course, he was never there. Not even one single time. She picked at the flaking lacquer of the window frame in annoyance. After two weeks of Sasuke's stay the lacquer was all gone, and janitor had it re-painted. After that, she picked on her fingernails until they bled.

Not that she wasn't seeing Sasuke around those days. They've been meeting in Ichiraku regularly, as Naruto kept dragging Sasuke there after their trainings. He also did most of the talking. Admittedly, Sasuke sometimes told something about his journeys, but it was all very impersonal, as if he was constantly on his guard. Sakura wondered how he behaved with only Naruto around, during their sparring sessions. During one of such evenings, Naruto realized he was supposed to meet Hinata and rushed out. They finished eating in silence, as Sakura had no energy for supporting the small talk anymore. When they left, she gathered her resolve. She needed to come clear about it; that airy feeling inside her chest stopped resembling excitement long time ago. Now it felt like dread.

"You know Sasuke-kun… I was wondering… Have you thought about coming back for good?" No answer. Typical. "Wouldn't you want to spend more time with us?" Her voice faltered. Calling check was not that easy. "With me, for example?"

He gave her an incredulous look, as if he didn't understand the question. It was up to her still, then. "You see, I've been missing you a lot…"

"I'm not planning to come back any soon." Was all that he said.

"But someday you will, won't you?"

"Why is it so important for you?"

Sakura wanted to stomp and scream. She didn't. Instead she acted as docile as she always did around him. "What I said when we were younger, you know it is still valid, don't you? I know that it is all distant future, and you cannot say anything for sure, but I was hoping…"

"I thought I never gave you any reasons for hoping."

Sakura bit her lip. He never did. What would be the good answer here? "Sometimes hope doesn't need reasons…"

He looked at her with complete lack of understanding and turned. "Go home Sakura. It's late."

It wasn't late at all. But it was cold and it started to pour when she was three block away from her house. The rain caught her because she was so slow walking for all the crying she did.

* * *

Sakura was just going down the stairs to the meet up point where they were supposed to say goodbye to Sasuke when she almost bumped into Naruto climbing up the opposite direction. His expression told her clearly that something was off.

"Naruto? Why are you doing here? We're supposed to go to see Sasuke off…"

"We don't have to..."

"What do you mean?"

"Ano… He left already. In the morning, just after sunrise."

Sakura's stomach flipped. She was awake at sunrise, it was such a beautiful dawn, she was leaning through in the open window and thinking how first rays of sun were giving her strength for that goodbye. How she would show herself from her best side – strong and cheerful and supportive. And now she was robbed even of this.

"Why?" She managed.

Naruto fidgeted.

"Naruto. You are telling it now, or.."

"He didn't want to upset you with the goodbye…" offered Naruto uncertainly.

"Is this what he said…?" She whispered, feeling like hit with a sledgehammer. Disappointment was fighting a tiny spark of hope that in the end he only wanted to spare her feelings. Going all wrong about it, but still. But Naruto's dogged expression raised back her suspicion. "What exactly did he say?"

"No… He said, that you will make a scene again."

Whatever tender feelings she harboured seconds ago, were gone. "Again?! I've never made a scene in front of him!" Sakura screamed in indignation. "Never!" Naruto recoiled as she punched the wall next to him. "I don't make scenes!"


	3. Chapter 3

Next months were difficult. Everyday when she was waking up and her consciousness would kick in, her first thought was "Oh, no. Again." Again she needed to get up, go to work, do all that was demanded from her. Pretend that she was here. Present. All while the only thing she wanted was to dive deep inside her head and remember. Close her eyes and be someplace else, in a different Konoha, think about how it felt when Sasuke loved her.

She was doing it more and more as it dawned to her, that it was as much of Sasuke as she would ever get. The realization didn't strike her, it crept slowly, worked its way into her heart, until it became certainty – there will be no "together". There was nothing she could do to make a "together" happen. Or rather, she could do whatever she wanted, move mountains, travel barefoot to the end of the world and back, and still it wouldn't change anything. It was not dependent on her actions. She was powerless because the power, ultimately, laid by him. Surprisingly to her, that realization made her calmer. It was out of her hand, so she stopped straining herself. It left her numb, but at least in hurt less. Every day she cared a little bit less about what was going on around her – what she did, what she ate, how she looked like. It all didn't matter, the purpose was gone. She would wait out the course of the day, until she could finally lie down and drift into the memories. Thankfully the Tsukuyomi shone bright and full of colours under her eyelids, rocking her until she would fall asleep.

Keeping up the appearances was getting increasingly difficult. At work, she had troubles dealing with the nurses, they were pissing her off with their incompetence. There was now way in the world for her to tutor younger medics as she was supposed to, because she lacked patience. She started to decline all invitations from Naruto and Hinata, who were just ready with their new apartment, because looking at their little love-nest was unbearable for her. She just couldn't stand people around her, wanting things from her, expecting her to interact when all she wished for was to be left alone.

* * *

One day she realized to her shock that she stopped finding pleasure in her work. That made her stop in her tracks for a moment. That was wrong. Her work was her vocation, the most accurate manifestation of what she wanted to be. Not liking it was wrong. She went to Tsunade and asked for holidays, thinking that she was overworked and a break would help her regain the enthusiasm.

A week of holidays she spent mostly at home. Mostly in bed or on the sofa under the blanket, because she was permanently cold. _"My fires are burning low."_ she thought.

When she came back to the hospital she wasn't feeling any more motivated than before. Only more irritated. Two months later she took another holiday, this time longer. She had an impression that Tsunade wanted to say something when she was signing the permission, so she scrammed as fast as she could.

Staying at home wasn't fun, it was infuriating. Being out was as well. At least she didn't have to be at work, where other people would be at the receiving end of her temper, Sakura thought bitterly.

Every day, same refrain was playing inside her head: _"I don't want all this. I just don't want!"_ But she never could pinpoint what was it that she didn't want.

For a lack of better target, she focused her embittered attention on the things around her, in her apartment. She clearly owned too much stuff; she didn't need all that…

She went methodically about it. First ones to leave were her pot plants. She gave them to Ino, who accepted them easily, knowing what miserable life poor flowers were leading at Sakura's place. She always forgot to water.

She brought many books to library – there they were happy about it, as the post-war scarcity was still felt. She sold two carpets she never liked to a nurse who was just moving out from her parents. Many other things she just brought to the neighborhood waste-disposal area and put them neatly next to containers. They all disappeared so she assumed someone took them.

When in her cleaning process she reached her kitchen area, the eyes first landed on chairs standing around the table.

 _"_ _These are too many."_ What did she need six chairs for? One was enough. Then she decided to be reasonable and to keep two. Naruto was in the end still dropping by from time to time. The next day, it was exactly Naruto who called her on it, spotting the chairs assembled on the side of the pavement in front of her house, each bearing a tidy, little note "To give away".

"Sakura, why are you trashing those perfectly good chairs? You liked them; we were picking them out together…"

"But I don't need them." She explained and failed to notice a worried look on his face.

Next came the clothes. That hurt more than she expected. Green summer dress hurt particularly badly. Reasonable, navy-blue skirt was not much better. They landed very quickly in the rejection pile together with most of other dresses and skirts. And blouses that had cleavage. And anything in bright colour. At the bottom of the wardrobe she found her red Genin dress, the one with Haruno circle at the back. She brushed her fingers against it – material was soft from the wear. Her fist clutched around the fabric. She always imagined how her daughter would want to try it on when she would be five or so – dress would be hanging pathetically from the thin shoulders, sweeping the floor, tangling around little legs... And later, how in the ripe age of twelve the same girl would snort at her mother's taste. But she will never have a daughter. She saw her in front of her eyes even now, so vividly. She will never have a daughter with black, black eyes and heart-shaped face. Sakura even had a name ready. She will never have a daughter named Sarada! After that, cried the rest of the evening and gave up the clean up for good couple of days.

She picked it up again, eventually. It was late evening and Sakura was balancing dangerously on her toes on the chair, trying to reach last stack of bowls in the very deepest end of the cupboard. She was scourging the kitchen cupboards. Amazing how many dishes she owned, she even didn't remember buying all that!

She grabbed that last stack from the depths of the cupboards and pulled them towards herself, stepped down the chair and started to methodically dust one bowl after another. She got to a pretty one, brown, glazed donburi bowl. She hadn't seen this one for a long time. Actually, last time Sakura saw it was inside the Tsukuyomi. When she cooked for Sasuke for the first time, as a form of thanks for his middle-of-the-night bento. She could remember how he sat by the table, looking so comfortable and content. He told her that what she prepared tasted good. And she was inclined to believe him, as that one time even she liked her own cooking.

Sakura weighted the bowl in her hand couple of times. And open up her fingers. Bowl landed on the floor, cracked into three parts. She grabbed a matching one from the set and hurled it against the wall. That worked better – the bowl smashed into a mass of small shards.

"You stinking Uchiha bastard!" she pushed piled plates over the countertop edge. "You fucking bastard!" Plates were falling one by one, staccato of their breaking accentuating her words. "So high and mighty! Better than everyone else!" She swept across the table, shoving all the glasses that stood there onto the ground. "Then why did you get yourself killed!" She slumped on her knees and sobbed. "Madara, you bastard, why did you die!"

She cried for a while and then she stopped. It was pointless, like everything else. She saw that one glass survived the slaughter; she picked it, stood up. Held the glass in outstretched hand, tilted it so that the opening was facing down and dropped it. Then she went to have a shower.

* * *

Next morning Sakura marveled at the scale of destruction. How did she yesterday manage to navigate between the broken glass without cutting her feet, was beyond her. She carefully tiptoed towards the hall to find shoes to wear around the house. Some full shoes, not ninja-sandals.

The next day she briefly contemplated cleaning up. But only very briefly. _"Maybe it will clean up by itself if I wait long enough."_ she thought bitterly. _"That is exactly what I do whole my life: waiting for things to mend on their own, don't I?"_

On the third day there was a knock on the door. When she opened, she saw Shikamaru propped up against the corridor wall. His eyes immediately went exactly in the direction of the mess she was trying to block from his sight. "Yo. Bad timing?"

"No…" she mumbled in response.

"Good. Because I'm supposed to take you for a walk."

"What? Why? I… I don't think I want to go anywhere."

"Why? You're busy?"

"Yes." She said with conviction. Faking was becoming a second nature for her, she felt really accomplished in it. The more disappointed she was when Shikamaru didn't even bother to take her lie seriously.

"I don't think so. We're going." He grabbed her hand.

"Where? Why?" She tried opposing.

"Tsunade-sama told me to see what's wrong with you."

"Nothing is wrong! I'm having my holidays."

"Yeah, right, then at least make it less bothersome for me, will you?" He pulled her out of the doorstep.

Sakura gave up. "At least let me take my jacket…"

They walked along the river, exactly the route Sakura was avoiding. But she had to admit, this was a very scenic path. At some point Shikamaru deemed they were far enough and sat down. Sakura braced herself for the interrogation.

"So…" dragged Shikamaru. "Now it's the part when I ask if you are ok and you start entrenching yourself."

 _"_ _Exactly."_ Thought Sakura but didn't say anything.

"Can we spare it to ourselves? Some things are clear and no denying from your side is going to change it. And, no I won't ask you how can we help you, because I doubt you can even give me an informed answer. I will just ask you what EXACTLY is wrong."

Sakura hung her head low. "Everything."

"And more specifically?"

"Every fucking thing!"

Shikamaru sighted. "Ok. Then let me analyze it, the way I see it and you tell me when our paths split?"

Sakura nodded. Shikamaru seemed to be determined, and on these rare occasion, she wasn't able to divert him. Tsunade-sama must have been very convincing. Poor Shikamaru.

"Just take no offense it whatever I say Sakura, ok?" She nodded her agreement. "So… It's pretty clear for me that it is Sasuke. The question only is "why?". Directly after the war you were so motivated to get back in touch with him. He got pardoned; he comes to the village from time to time, hangs out with you guys. Of course, it could have been that he spurned you once again and you got wounded by it. But. Either Ino or Naruto would have known about it, and they don't." Sakura gasped in exasperation but he continued. "No offence, remember? I did my research, for whom do you take me? Sasuke is more absent than present, but he was gone for five years before, and gone without hope of returning and you were relatively fine. So what you have here is a definitive change for better. Taking your determination into account, I don't believe you're giving up on him. You lived on empty hopes for five years and seemed perfectly ok back then. Now you're breaking into pieces. You don't have PTSD either, you've been checked for it." He added as if in an afterthought.

Shikamaru put fingers together forming his meditation seal. "You didn't stop me, so what I said is correct… In that case – there is just something I don't know. The question is "what?" What is it Sakura that compromises your functioning? Why are you not being your usual self, waiting for Sasuke like a faithful dog?"

Anger flashed in Sakura's eyes, but quickly died. Surely, it was exactly how everyone saw her, wasn't it?

"Tell me."

"…"

"Tell me." His voice was as constricting like his shadows were.

"Tsukuyomi."

"What?"

"It is Tsukuyomi."

"It has been dispelled…"

Sakura looked up to the sky. One good sunny day, at least today. Like back then…

"Tell me Shikamaru, what did you see in yours?"

He halted but then probably decided that everything is good to get her talking. "Nothing that I would not expect. I know my dreams – do my duty and retire, sit on a patio with my children, smoke and watch clouds. Nothing special. And that's what I got."

"I also know my dreams. Heck, probably whole village knows my dreams. Public knowledge, that's what they are. I got to live them and now I cannot live my reality…"

Sakura clenched her fist. If he wants to hear it that badly, then she can as will speak up. She was well past the point of caring about embarrassment. "I have to bend and twist myself every time he is around." First sentence was difficult, but with every next one her throat was getting less and less constricted. "Be nice when I want to scream. Be undemanding when I want payment for my efforts. Be not clingy when I want to wrap my arms around him. All not to scare him away, not to make him uncomfortable around me cause this would lower my chances. I'm playing a game that's called "catch a Sasuke". I'm playing against him, and the prize is him. It feels awful; I don't want to be doing it. I want him to just love me. Just like this. Just like he did in the Tsukuyomi!

Sakura bit her lip. „This was my plan, all the way along – to wait and be always there for him and that at some point he will come back and... I don't know. Maybe appreciate my waiting? Or at least he will be taking me so much for granted that if he once decides to settle down then it will have to be with me? I only needed to wait. Grit my teeth and wait, and hope. Nothing more. But I can't do it anymore! I can't stand that he doesn't care! That he treats me like air! Now, that I know how it is when someone cares, I cannot stand that he doesn't! Before I didn't miss it, you cannot miss what you don't know. Now I know and this knowledge makes all the difference in the word. Suddenly I feel entitled to love, which I'm not getting. I cannot do it anymore, all by myself – to provide enough love for us both. It's like pulling a cart when two wheels are missing, it's just not possible, you need all four!"

"Actually, you can have a two-wheel cart if the wheels are on the same axis and pull it very well.."

"Shikamaru! It's not about construction details! It was a metaphor!"

Shikamaru looked at her carefully. "So was mine."

But Sakura wasn't listening as she went on. Now that she started talking, it was like an open tap, like a waterfall, like a mountain river after the snowmelt. "You know, I'm starting to suspect, that the Sasuke I dreamt about doesn't exist. In the Tsukuyomi he was exactly how I imagined him to be if everything between us turned out fine. Cool and introvert and all Sasuke-like, but to me, only to me, showing tenderness. What if this caring side of him doesn't exist?! All those years I have been telling to myself that he's just not showing that he cares. What if he really doesn't? What if I was clinging to an illusion I created myself?!" Sakura paused, took a deeper breath. Her voice was strained when she spoke up again. "It's not love anymore, this thing inside me. It's resentment. It's black and dense, it's like a tar. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at him. I hate everything around me. I start to hate people. Because they don't understand. Or they don't have time for me. Oh, this I hate the most – that they don't have time because they are so busy being happy. I know I should be happy for them, on a certain level I am, I really am. They are my friends, I love them, but… But then I am invited for a wedding and I want to punch walls." She shouldn't be saying those horrible things aloud, but she couldn't stop anymore. "And I hate every place here. It's so awful, I used to love Konoha, but now every street, every bench, every path in the forest reminds me of what could have been but is not. Even stupid, everyday objects…"

Shikamaru gave her a peaceful look.

Who cares, he knows already, he probably knew the moment he saw it. "Yeah – the crockery at my place. It had a bad luck of reminding me of something… I hate everything here. Even the weather – it always rains whenever I gather energy to go for a walk. Did it always use to rain so much, or is it just this year?"

"It rains as much as it always used to rain…"

"Really? I had a different impression… And it's cold, it's always so cold." Sakura felt up her fingers – like icicles, even though she was wearing a jacket while Shikamaru was sitting there only in a T-shirt. She ran out of steam, she didn't have anything more to complain about. It was pointless. Only thing she could think about was how freezing cold her feet were.

Shikamaru lighted up another cigarette. He sat there, a statue of calmness, taking slowly drag after drag.

"Can I have as well?" She never smoked, but who cares. Sakura thought he would give her a new cigarette, but Shikamaru just extended his hand with the half-burned one. She hesitantly took a whiff, and returned it. It wasn't half as bad as she expected. He took one more whiff and offered it to her once again, apparently meaning she could keep it.

"In that Tsukuyomi of yours – what else did you like? Except of Sasuke."

Sakura lifted her head, looked at the sky. "Everything." Cigarette was calming her down. "Everything was running smoothly. Patients were getting better quickly, experiments were working, paperwork was taking half of the usual time, nurses were friendly and full of energy. Ino was sympathetic and supportive for once. Naruto showered more often. Kakashi was sometimes there on time… The world seemed to bend to my hand…" Sakura felt tears forming in her eyes. "Why can't it be like that for real?"

She wanted Shikamaru to console her, if he already dragged her out here and made her remember all this again. But lazy bastard didn't, only pressed further instead. "What else? What else was there?"

Sakura sobbed, tugged arms around her knees in oh-so-familiar attempt on self-comfort. "Warm." She managed. "It was warm." She cried for good, self-hugging always prompted her to crying. "I want it all back. I want to be back there. I don't want to be here anymore." She swung her arm in broad gesture.

"Then don't."

"What?"

"Then stop trying to be here where you don't want to be."

Sakura stared.

"Most of the things you want changed don't depend on you. Poor choice of things that matter, if you ask me, but who am I to judge… You can't change people or circumstances, at least not that easily, and definitely not in your current state. But there is something that depends only on you – it is where you are. Don't want to be here – go some place else."

Sakura looked dumbfounded "Where am I suppose to go…?" she whispered.

"Suna. Go to Suna."

"…why?"

"It's warm there. Rarely rains."

Sakura gathered her wits. "Shikamaru. Since everyone tells you you're a genius, didn't you get a bit too full of yourself? Do you really think you can sputter every first nonsense.."

"Not a nonsense. Think about it for a moment. Here everything reminds you of Sasuke. In a new place… well, it will certainly not be the case. And out of all the possible places, Suna is a closely allied village and I assure you, it IS warm."

"This is a completely crackpot idea, Tsunade-sama will never.."

"Tsunade-sama will for sure. Suna is famous for poisons, you could do hell of research there. You could modernize their healthcare, I heard they are rather lacking in this department. Temari is moving here soon and with her being so high-profile and all, it wouldn't be bad, if someone of similar rank would go to Suna…"

Sakura blinked - that thought was so alien that she didn't even know how to go around it. And then, maybe because all that inertness that she felt those days, she felt as if Shikamaru just took her out of her usual track and put her on a completely different one. Like a ball on a marble run, now she could roll down along the new track. Now she couldn't imagine anything else that she could do except going to Suna. It was suddenly so obvious, so logical. How strange, she didn't spare a single thought to the Wind Country probably whole last year, and now she was going there. With some curiosity, she was observing as a part of her still wanted to protest - more out of a sense of indignation than anything else, while most of her brain was already busy making a packing list. _"Good that I got rid of so many things already. It will be easier to clear the apartment."_

She looked up to Shikamaru – he was smiling at her. "Thank you." She said and got up. She had things to do. Lots of things and little time. The sooner she leaves the better. Sakura looked past her shoulder. "Your Tsukuyomi… it really didn't have any influence on your life?"

"Hmm… Now that you ask… Maybe I'll teach Temari play shogi, when she comes…"

"Why?"

"In Tsukuyomi I used to play with my wife. She was good."

Sakura laughed. "It wasn't Temari, there, in your dream, was it?"

"No… That one was much cuter, less violent… But Temari is here, and if she will have a lazy bastard like me, then I can only be grateful. I'm sure she'll make a heck of shogi player."

* * *

AN: I'm still a bit torn whether to leave the story as it is, with a sad ending of Sakura going to Suna and trying to cope with her life, or to get Sasuke to finally wake up and live up to her expectations. A sad ending would be more realistic I guess... Any good arguments?


	4. Chapter 4

Suna was warm. And since she had arrived, two and a half years ago, it rained four times. People went dancing on the streets when it did. And held a festival the night that followed.

But Sakura liked it. Every time she was exiting a building, the heat would permeate her and she had a feeling it was reaching her bones.

The warmth was making it easier for her to move. Of course she would sweat and get sunburns but at least she could muster some motivation to be active.

Suna's hospital turned out to be an interesting place to work. She came here holding good deal of preconceived notions about her methods only to be confronted with something radically different. And with something that was working nevertheless. In contrast to Konoha's Tsunade-derived chakra healing school, Suna medics relied much more on herbal medicines. Sakura had always regarded plant medicines as the first primitive step in the development of modern medicine. A relict from times when nothing better was available. She had to rethink it, because the efficiency of concoctions prepared in the cellars of Suna hospital was astounding. They would take plant matter as starting material, extract the active compound – sometime just one, but more often many, and then alter them. With the precise knowledge of the structure of the active molecule they would modify it – add a hydroxyl group here, remove an amine group there… Sometimes they would even fuse two molecules together.

The chakra control required for it blew Sakura's mind. She had to learn to operate on atomic level. It required far less energy than any healing because of the scale. There was also no patient whose life was expiring underneath her hands -which created room for mistakes, corrections and re-tries- but that chakra control… It was the first time since many, many years that she felt so challenged, both intellectually and in her command of chakra. Now she could understand why were Suna's poisons so deadly – each and every one of them was tailor-made for the intended effect. And none had equivalent in nature.

She still couldn't believe they were letting her in into it. Probably having Temari in Konoha, and pregnant with Shikamaru child helped quiet a bit.

Work culture in Suna's hospital was also quite different. Nobody was pulling all-nighters here, and it wasn't exactly well seen to do overtime. Part of it was due to low population density in Wind Country – people were so sparsely distributed that they learned to be self-sustainable. Patients or their families would travel to the Sand Village, stock up with medicine and go back to their home settlements. The hospital head, an ancient lady from equally ancient, village-founding clan was of the opinion that she would rather have her medics rested and wide-awake when prescribing medicines of which one drop would heal while two – kill.

So after her shift she was going to the room she rented from a family running a weaving workshop. At the beginning she thought they would be her landlords and nothing more but instead she was immediately integrated into the family. From the day one she was sat at the dinner table, handed smaller house-keeping tasks, and literally overrun by children.

She was getting better. As Shikamaru said, she was pushed out of her tracks. She felt she was given a completely new life, a blank page to write. And before she started to worry about how should she fill those pages, first letters were already there – an underground lab where she sweated even despite its coolness trying to push single atoms with sheer power of her will; a five-year old girl climbing on her lap during the dinner; a new way home through narrow, winding streets, ankles-deep in sand. Night sky full of stars to the extant she never thought possible.

She gave up on ever having anything to do with Sasuke. Her memories, wishes and dreams all shrank until they were just a heavy clump – small, tough pellet trapped somewhere in her flesh. Impossibly dense, always palpable but not effecting her day-to-day functioning. It didn't hurt, it didn't hinder her in any way but it was there.

Two years of not seeing Sasuke and it was still there – same size and shape. Same weight. So she decided to accept it as a new part of herself because hoping that it would dissolve was only making things worse. And she vowed to live the best life that was possible with it. ' _I will probably die missing him, but people learn to live without arms or legs, so I can learn to live with it as well. I should and I will…_ ' she thought bitterly. She couldn't realistically expect that she will never see him again – they both were too prominent people in the shinobi system not to cross paths at some point, but she hoped those meetings will be few and far apart. And as far away in the future as possible.

The only times when this heavy clump bothered her, were during the festivals. People in Suna celebrated their festivities with dancing – they would form a circle and move according to elaborate routines that everyone, including small children, seemed to know. Sakura itched to join, she wouldn't even mind making a fool of herself, but she couldn't. Those were exactly the times went she felt impossibly heavy, as if molten lead was filling her joins, preventing her from moving.

* * *

It was a market day and the central square was full with stalls and booths. Sakura was strolling among them picking snacks. She still didn't go through all the variety of street food available in Suna and the choice during the market days was the broadest.

And then she saw him. Standing casually propped up against a stall, hands in the pocket as usually. What was he doing here?! He wasn't supposed to be here. A reminder of all the bleak and ugly that she was running away from.

He was looking at her; it seemed that he was observing her for a while already. In the moment their eyes made contact he nodded his head clearly indicating she should come over.

How dare he come here and gesture at her publicly as if she belonged to him? Good he didn't whistle. Maybe she didn't want to be gestured at like that? Who gave him a right to? Who gave him right to even be here? To come to her and ruin her so hardly won peace of mind! She got so worked up in her anger that all the shyness went forgotten.

Sakura approached him in swift paces, until she was three steps away, two, one. She didn't stop. Sasuke took a step back and she kept moving forward, pushing him backwards seemingly by the force her willpower alone. He retracted from between the stalls into a wide open space. No shade there, just burning sun. Heat radiating from the sand hit Sakura and finally she halted.

"What are you doing here?!" Even if the physical display of aggression subdued, her voice was still full of it.

"I came to see you."

"Did it ever occur to you that I may not want to see _you_?"

Sasuke's eyes caught her own. No, it didn't occur to him, it seemed. She managed to surprise him, if only a little bit.

"You have some cheek, don't you? After all this time, you realized you want to see me? Do you have any idea what I have been through?" It was so tempting to start elaborating on it, to pour out that what fermented inside her for so many years on his head. But it would be seeking his attention and she was so done with it. She moved to turn away, the sooner she gets away from him the better. At least here, in Suna, she didn't want to be seen through the context of Sasuke. And certainly not to be seen making a scene in the middle of the market place.

"Sakura." Sasuke grabbed her by the hips. She stared down in complete astonishment, but he held her fast. Her arms jerked away from her body, avoiding the touch. She stood stiff. "Sakura."

She could wind out of his grasp, sure she could. But she couldn't move, as if he was pressing her downwards, grounding her. Sasuke crouched a bit – he was too tall to look into her eyes standing normally. She turned her head away. He shifted, searching her face. "I'm sorry. I needed to figure things out and it took me a long time. Very long time. Probably too long time. I am still figuring them out." She moved her head to the other side, but there was no escaping. "But please bear with me while I do."

There amount of distress in his voice was something Sakura had never heard before.

She didn't want to rip out of his grasp anymore. She wanted to hear it, she waited to hear it her entire life. She waited to hear it since the end of the war, when the apology was due but never appeared.

"Why have you been acting like you did? You knew my feelings, you didn't have any revenge to follow, any curse upon you, then WHY? I need explanations. I need hell of explanations."

"Because I was a coward." He searched her eyes again.

She held his gaze – her narrowed eyes should be sufficient indication that it was not enough. "I was afraid that forming a bond will make me lesser… Less capable, less strong, less noteworthy, just less… And less myself."

"Even if it would be true -which it isn't- it is sick to think like that. To skimp on feelings to appear to be 'more'."

Sasuke hung his head. "I know." He swallowed thickly. "You were so cheerful around me, so determined that I took you for granted. It never crossed my mind I should or need to make an effort. And it is an effort for me to… be more open. To show anything."

"Anything like what?"

"Like feelings. It takes even more effort to admit screw-ups. So I just didn't do it. It was simpler like that. You always went so easy on me; I never needed to make an effort. So I didn't. Preferred to pretend I am above it all and I didn't care about attachments because it fitted better to this image of myself that I had in my head. And somewhere in the back of my mind I was reassured that whatever I would do, you would always be there. Until you weren't there anymore…

Sakura held herself stiff. "And now? What are you doing here now?"

"I'm admitting. All the screw-ups – those from the years back and those more recent ones as well. And I am admitting that when you were gone, I missed you."

Sakura kept silent. And still – her arms all the time far away from where he was holding her. Something was growing in her, something huge. It was unfolding, taking more and more space inside her. Something that was heavy and dense was now decompressing.

"It took you long enough."

"It took me several visits to Konoha to ask about your whereabouts. And another two to ask when are you planning to come back."

"And what did they say?"

"That you're not coming back. It got me thinking… That… that maybe I screwed up."

"And nothing I did or said all those years didn't get you thinking?! Seriously?"

"I guess I didn't expect you had limits."

Sakura laughed. She felt almost giddy from that alien feeling inside her. "Everyone has limits! How could you imagine I don't?!"

"You never showed that you were displeased with me."

"Why should I do it? For you to call me annoying again?! To start avoiding me?"

"No. For me to understand how should I act not to make you unhappy."

"Do you need it in print or what?! Just use your brain! Is it so hard to show a bit of consideration?" She paused. She was shaking from agitation and it was difficult to formulate sentences because too many words were pressing on her lips. That decompressing sensation was pushing at her from the inside, making her feel like she would start levitating any moment now. "Last time you've been in the village you left without a common decency goodbye. You said that I would have made a scene. That I had made one already." She never expected she would be able to talk with such spite to none other but Sasuke. But that act, that was a slap on the face. And a public one on top of it, because in front of Naruto. And even if no one else but Naruto was to witness it, to Sakura their little universe of Team 7 mattered more than whole crowd of strangers.

Sasuke bit his lip. "I did."

"Please enlighten me: when exactly did I make a 'scene' before?!" She would be floating above the ground now if not that grip on her hips.

Sasuke met her eyes with full determination even though his words where coming excruciatingly slow. "I said it on purpose so you wouldn't get too comfortable around me. A preventive measure of sorts. Because after you asked me about my plans for future I got scared that you will confront me with a choice. I didn't want to be forced to make decisions."

"This is disgusting. You are disgusting." Sakura grabbed his wrists and tried to push his hands away. Sasuke shook his head and only tighten his grip.

"I'm not letting you go. I will confront all your anger. Right here and right now."

Oh yes, this decompressing thing filling her up, it was exactly that. Anger.

"You know what? Let's start from the basics then, shall we? You tried to fucking kill me! Have I ever heard even a simple 'I'm sorry for the Iron Country Bridge'? No! Go figure…"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "You also tried to kill me. Actually, you tried killing me first."

"I couldn't see anymore what were you doing to the world around you! And to yourself. I couldn't look at what you've become."

"And that gave you the right to decide what am I supposed to become? Did you want to shape me to your wishes?! Mold me into what you had imagined about me?! Weren't you doing it from the very beginning?"

They stared at each other, stones instead of eyes. Chakra was rising in her system and she could feel that in Sasuke's as well. He came here apologizing, but now he was angry as well.

"Yes" she said at last. "Yes, that's what I wanted." She paused. That memory tasted so bitter on her tongue. Tsukuyomi like a mirror shoved into her face with enough force to make her say it despite all the anger. "Something I wouldn't want to do anymore." She felt ashamed by this confession but the anger still wasn't done with her. "It doesn't change the fact that you treated me like nothing. You don't treat a dog like this."

"Have you ever even noticed what kind of person I really am through all that haze of your wishful thinking?" He dug fingers harder into her sides and shook her. "And do you think the fact that you love me gives you the right to decide about my life?"

Sakura balled her fists. "You've hurt me. Over and over and over again."

Blood red flashed in Sasuke eyes. He closed them and took a deeper breath.

"Yes. Yes I did. I know it. Yet here we stand."

"Here we stand."

"Sakura. I am here because I want a new start. I recognize my mistakes. Those against Konoha and those specifically against you. They haunt me at night. Especially those against you. But you have to understand that it wasn't my fault that I didn't reciprocate your feelings back then. You don't get to choose whom you love… you know it better than anyone else." Sasuke swallowed. "That would be really ironic if now…"

It seemed that his voice faltered him in the very end. It was the most she ever heard from Sasuke during a span of one day. Now he was looking at her with distress, bent in front of her, but no words were coming out anymore. ' _There it is, in the end he cannot say it aloud._ ' That realization was so familiar and endearing that something burst inside of Sakura. It was as she always expected it would happen – Sasuke can't say it and she will have to connect the dots herself. In that one thing at least, it seemed that she has truly known him. Her lips curved trying to smile and cry in the same time. She blinked and tears went streaming down her face.

"Don't cry. Don't cry because of me again. I'm so sorry. So sorry."

He was so close. So close and she wasn't turning her face away anymore.

"That's all right," she said and huge weight fell down from her like shackles. "Sasuke, it's all right now." She struggled to smile again but her lips were not cooperating. She put her palms over his hands and stroke gently.

When he angled his head and caught her lips, she was smiling already. She kissed him back and she couldn't care less about the marketplace around them.

* * *

A/N: And this is it... Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think :)


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